vh1's top hundered artist of all time :my mums list

the beatles
paul mccartney
john lennon
george harrison
ringo starr

notes on having a conversation with joti two and a half years post the last convo you had

- I've relized that the friends I had two years ago are in no way shape or form the friends I have now. I'm not even aware if I have friends now, minus the big three of jolene, jessie and shane, who I will call lane as to fit the alliteration scheme. also, they were referred to as the wonder twins and a guy with a tarus
- it's hard to imagine miss christina as a girl who is a sexual being, and not someone who is accusing silly josh of being a piekit.
- It's hard to explain bricky to anyone who hasn't met bricky. However, dustin is easy to explain.you just go hey it's micheal cera but not horrible.
- micheal cera is horible.
- 90 percent of my love life is just hey an interesting girl showed up and said interesting stuff and then she nailed someguy.
- all jasons are horrible. however j-sons are not. odd spelling makes people decent i suppose
- the ducktales themesong is the new hey ya
- I have an interesting lust life. it involves the tv show puffy ami umi
- fact: my hustle finaly has caught up to my genius. not said by me mind you

five creatures this 14 year old I know totally made up

hagon( it's a half horse/ half dragon)
- a fire fairie that shoots fire
- a bragon ( it' s a half bunny/half dragon)
- zombie robot ninja
- a phragon( i's a half phoniex, half dragon)

sports team I arbritarly enjoy

New England patriots- Tom Brady touches teenage boys inappropertly. Also, Bill Belechek is a horrible dresser and eats baby heads for breakfast

New York Yankees- If you wear a new york yankees hat, you will date rape someone.

La Lakers- I like the celtics, ergo I hate la. thats how life works

duke- the rapingest rape team to ever rape. even more so than rape university

real madrid- thats not how you pronounce that word

phoniex coyotes- you are in arizona. you souldn't be playing hocke. you should be playing be mean to mexicans ball.

a list of sports teams I arbitarly enjoy

Pittsburg steelers- cause half the people I truly love are from pittsburg. Also I like to win the hearts of angry african american gentlemen via sugar water.

Boston Red sox-I like the letter B

Boston Celtics-Cause their name is mispronouced. Also,I'm white

whatever the boston soccer team is- cause i'm keeping a theme.

boise state- smurf colored field. also, they were in the only sporting event I've ever enjoyed watching.

Andy Rodick- not a sports team. but he does do the sex to Brookly Decker who is the nicest lady ever.

Pittsburg peinguins- cause a cute lady told me to, and that's how I make all my life decisions. Also, the harford whalers don't exist

the baollis listry of top couplings

- I've been thinking about love alot lately, altough I haven't been talking about love cause pop culture reference here.
Anyhoo, top five couplings that are currently coupling couples( alliteration makes me fuzzy in side)

Jolene and chadu- jolene is the female embodyment of all things chris ollis, and ergo should be gettin so much lesbian tang right now. Chadu makes song about mega man 2, which is the most chris ollis thing ever.

Brittany Hollifileld and Dustin Allison-Brittany Hollifield is my best friend who wasn't labled as an xmen in an early nighties north cove elemtary annual( most obscure refrence in my blog ever). Dustin is like micheal cera but he doesn't have a vagina.

Neighbor lass and cool hair guy-neighbor girl is as nice as tom hanks and billy gibbons, but has mowed my yard on multiple occasions ( whereas tom hanks has only mowed it once , nd billy gibbons just brings me hats and bbq). Cool hair guy has such cool hair that he is known as cool hair guy, and I'm pretty sure he wrote a song about bob barker

Krystal and Derrick-this time last year, I was all emo and cutting my self with frankie from the real world san diego and while multiple people offered empathy and occasionly anal. Krystal was the only one who offered wisdom.Derrick is the william regal of this list. No, I don't know what that means. but while everyone else is making videos of themselves fighting giant chickens, he's building the cars and buildings and cutting the lumber and making the doughnuts. you know things that actually matter. also, his initals are Double d which is either an awesome boob referen or an ed edd and eddy refrence

joti and daniel bryan

odd things people have said to me recently

cream soda is gross, and so is jon meyer
-bricky

beer money don't make money
- guy at work , pretty sure he was talng bout wrasslin

"all this used to be orange groves, and garfield was funny"
- coffee shop lady, the hot one, but not the really hot one

the treyz songz song catolouge

bedroom(that's where we b havin tha sex)

girl, u face( I do stuff on ur face)

people elsewhere will be aware of us sexin we be sexin so loud

panties ( they on ur vagina)

smurfday sex

girl, want to sell ur used panties on craggslist

what I would name my pub if I had one....

jc's burger stand
tispy o sullivab's buggery factory
this has lamb in it?
some drunk bytches and foosball.

it had being a draculas

of course on the other hand the twilight books are about a 100 year old who loves a 16 year old who is also in love with a dog....and then the dog marrys their daughter from the future....so it may be in fact the most subversive thing of all time...

my name is twilight and I am a draculas...

so anyway, the other day at the bk lounge( I know dane cook said this, but we're totally going with brittany cause ummm she doesn't deserve to die) and for some reason some kid who looked like malcolm jamel warner starred going off to a girl who looks like a cross between a way less hot jolene and a way more hot kelly osbourne about how twilight and harry potter are the same thing.

Now mind you I don't care for either as I know what a vagina looks like. But at least harry potter has a certain panache. a certain hey we have imagination and whimsy and umm jelly beans whereas Twilight is hey lets see how boring a story we can do with draculas.

Also emma watson is way hotter than kristen stewart.

my top five favorite candys

honorable mention: pez- a candy that tastes like sugared shit, but you are eating out of popeyes face

5) sweetarts/sweettarts- a word that I don't know if it's spelled with one word or two

4)spree- like sweet tarts yet soft

3)zero- like jesus invented nougut

2) orange club- prove that the english do occaionsly make awesome thing see also the beatles and penelope cavendish

1)jellybellys- I love jellybellys more than I do most things ever..

baollis is back and not as depressing as this sounds..

You'll fall in love, and then he'll cheat on you with your best friend or you'll cheat on him with his best friend. or maybe you'll just nail complete strangers. or maybe you'll just find out you hate each other. or maybe you like each other but theirs that one thing you can't stand.

But maybe, just maybe it'll be perfect and wonderful and you'll be together until old age. and then, then you get to watch you're best friend die.


okay, next time a list of my twenty favirote candys.

things I want to punch in the head right now

-micheal cera( people who are like you in real life do not have girlfriends in real life, stop giving goofy awkward people hope they gonna get some nookie and stop being what happened when scott biao and woody allen had a kid

-music now days( and I'm not talking about hippty hoppity music, I realize that boat has passed me by that the train station, but this new emo music, but emo constitutes emotion and wearing a stupid hat and a purple shirt arn't emotions. fact: forever the sickest kids are kids or sick and no one will remember them forever.

things i've found on the sidewalk since I've taken up walking...

guns and rose use yer illusion 1

a dead cat(?)

half empty bottle of boones farm watermelon

blacktail magazine from 2004

what we will bring?

the pain.
the noise.
lil debbies.

random thoughts for april 19th:

I am trying to turn around the scooner that is my life as I am dangerously close to a very large man who hangs out in people basements and yells about the green lantern...altough theirs nothing wrong with that. theirs just something wrong with being just that.I'm like some kind of layered vegtable. I have layers.

Note to bricky:whilst listening to korean pop music the other night on yer suggestion( can't wait for super junior vs villanoa v), I realized that korean pop music is just like our pop music, just like seven years behind us. My theory on big bang( thats a play on words.) is that they're the korean nsync bout totally made up of justin timberlake, or at worse chris. And BoA is ashley simpson but I want to see her nekkid and she actually has voice and her sister isn't inexplictbly dating Billy Corgan.

Basically what I'm saying is korean pop is shitty pop from eight years ago, but somehow made less shitty via it's asianosity(they do the same thing with noodles).

Ergo, we are like six years away from a korean lady gaga and that's the most amazing thing ever.

Random Thoughts: Rain was in speed racer the movie and is ergo my bro for life. nwo bk in da house. Also, when I see seven I don't know rather to make a reference to the movie or the breif dustin rhodes gimmick, so I just go hey that guy , he no looka like a man.


note to jolene:all your friends look like adorable ellen page type creatures and all my friends look like fat micheal ceras. eventually we'll end up remaking juno, but in real life. and better written. I have juno issues.

I think I just made fun of a dead boy.

top five wrestling andersons

1)Arn
2)Ole
3) Gene
4)CW
5) Ken...yes I hate ken anderson

why sting? why....

because vince russo is no good at writing things

scenes from a chinease resturants....

I have a new nemisis...lady whose putting ketcup on her sweet and sour chicken( it' called sweet and sour chicken for a reason), and loudly demaning the said sweet and sour chicken for her chicken...and her family is all wearing holister( except for the dad. whose wearing nike from head to toe and roughly looks like a high school baseball coach, but the kind you later find out is sadomizing cheerleaders) and loudly chatting about reality tv....you are whats wrong with the world.

howeve, chinese girls wearing hello kitty shirts and having a tickle fight you are whats right about it...

chilli mussels are quiet good...

the jolene sammitch..

a roasted chicken breast cuban topped with jalapenos and red onions. served with a side of fried of fried pickels, zucchini and califlower. and ranch dressing as it's jolene.

Three reasons I enjoy justin beiber

A) He'ld make an excellent lesbian
2)his name rhymes with beaver
thirdly) He could totally date alexa chung
and in conclusion)he's good at what he do, which is make teenage girls dance and get lusty

things very beautiful women have witnessed me cry at recently...

shawn micheals
that commercial with the down syndrome girl
up
scoot bio.

board games that'll get you laid

strip trivial pursut
strip monoply (takes 9 hours, will get you ana
twister?
you sunk my battleship....with your vagina.
jenga

the economy of arts...

I needs to get into some ernest hemingway or some elmore leonard...theirs like something beautiful about saying something amazing yet saying it shortly...I thinks thats why I love the last moments of the shawn micheals-ric flair match at wrasslemania a couple of years ago...I love you, kick....and their we have it.. eons of wrasslin hisory wrapped up in like eight sconds...

note to my dear friend who wants to blow some crap up

Stuff is neither as bad or as good as it seems. we all die alone in a void possibly with poostains on our trousers, no matter how fancy those trousers are. That being sad kids in africa are dying of cataids, and we live in a country that invented the mcrib.

I guess what I am saying is that you are a pure and beautiful product of the universe imbied with a manic genius no one else on this planet has ever possessed( well this one african kid name tryon but he died of cat aids), and no matter how shitty the bathroom of life stinks, you always got that lysol can in yer arsenal.

their's a punchers chance I may die alone. well we all die alone I suppose, but I mean mateless, no miss ollis, no two point five kids(ie lil atticus and unnamed female ollis), no girl whose name ends in a y but she spells it with an i ollis....

and thats always bothered me perhaps too much...it's led me to date crazyass girls who would later date hermaphodites(and not the awesome lady gaga kind, but the christinas boyfriend has a vagina kind)or else I just assumed that just cause some one wanted to have four hour convo about muppets with me they wanted to marry me....

theirs plenty of stuff farly darn aweome bout me, and theirs plenty of stuff thats totally wrong with me... I'm not going into either....but as a woman whose mouth I'm putting words into once said" You're pretty smart fatty"........

but I'm okay with being alone...because I'm not...I've become wierd gay friend whose not gay but likes broadway, please give me love advice, wierd saying, buying mountain dew for ye, hug guy....and whilst that maybe second place and second place is the first loser, you do get a lovely applebees gift cercificate...metaphorically... I may not have a bonnie( lauren?) to my clyde but I do have the league of awesome women who i can't make out with but I do get lovely fruit baskets from (bricky, jolene,hc, the belated emily, diablo cody,.....your mom) . also bonnie and clyde died horribly and were unattractive....

note to lady gaga...

you're trying to hard. We get it. you're artsty.you're some kinda crazy super genius david bowie and frank zappa and madonna had a baby and it had a penis. and you're the only person whose making good music thats also music that peoples listening to( sorry lil dwayne, being high isn't the same as being talented)...but damn boo, you ain't got to wear a crab as a hat..

I don't know why I haven't done anything yet.maybe it's fear. maybe it's sloth.maybe it's lack of motivation,maybeit's lack of believe in my own talents. maybe I don't have talents, but if not a least I have them interestingly...

But it's time to stop worrying and get on with it, cause the train keeps going whether you on it or not..and if life gives you lemons... paint that shit yellow...

people in statue of liberty costumes vs peple in gorillia costumes

Statue of liberty pros:

beacon of poor, down trodden etc...ie ethnics?

hat can be used as throwing star.

far superior to statue made out of margirine

get to live on mark ellis island( a joke me and jessie cox made that wasn't funny even then)

free ipod

Statue of liberty cons:

geting raped in turn of the century political cartoons

not as cool as statueof mayor mcheese

will be forced to dance to joy division

gorilla pros:

you know steve nash

bannanas?

able to throw own feces

gorillia cons:

you know steve nash

responsible for aids

ticks?

congo was a horrible movie

gorillia zoe: crap rapper

tatoos I've thought about getting

grover
the dr pepper symbol( I'm cm punk but with superior beverage taste)
green lantern symbol
full back done as the cover of tom robbins still life with woodpecker.
tm.
a squirrel riding a unicorn...

some random thoughts I had at 3 this morning

-my love life is as follows:I meet a sweet yet terribly eccentric lady, I like her, she likes me, later she meets another sweet eccentric guy who doesn't talk about dirty horrible things as much and is shy in a boyishly charming way. Jonah Hill will never get action in a Micheal Cera world.

-when people say they dig asians, mostly they mean they dig orientals. nobody wants to nail turkmenistnites

- I dream of muppets to much.

things I do this summer with my lady, if I had a lady, but I have neither lady nor couch so I stand alone

roh wrestling in april
used book store browsing.
candy shop( I could let you lick the lollipop)
be one of those people on man vs food who encourage man to vs food
make a chees pizza, just for me...
busking
mt mitchell
screenplay
japanese grocery outlet
bbq festival
livermush festival
that one mongollian resturant
invent a samich

People and things I adore

la famille ollis
dr pepper
mustard
my guru: Jolene Casko
women in silly costumes( ie einstein, apes, statue of liberty)
Jessie Cox and la famille de cox
bbq( witness my I heart bbq t-shirt)
bricky and her boyfriend paul london, I mean dustin, but he really looks like paul london..
Yo Gabba Gabba
La famille benton dobson
pez dispeners
emily and people with names with m...

I do not understand some of the comments left in the buzz column of the charlotte observor

Used that don't ask, don't tell policy when my daughter planned her wedding.big mistake!-so is your daughter gay? is you son in law? did your daughter gay marry a lady?

taste test based upon things my nephews have accidently mispronounced

hot chocalte with mushrooms: This tastes like crap.

Rating the ramen or more like botton ramen am I righ?

Beef: Beef Ramen is to ramen what the double cheesburger is to buger king dollar menu. Dependble, safe, bland, and ordered by large quanties by fat people in virgina is for lover t-shirts who smell like fish and then their all like wheres meh maynaise and yer like they don't come maynaise and your life loses a lil more meaning everyday. Grade C:

Chicken : The dependble ramen. It won't have a threeway with you with and it's asian bestfreind behind the movies. But it is okay with helping do the laundry. Grade B

Shrimp: When I was a younger man, I used to eat shrimp ramen with massive loads of tartar sauce stired in and then Andy from progressive boink. com would come and ask me why I ate canned meats and punch me in the stomache. c-

Oreintal: Fuck you top ramen, oriental refers to a place of orgin not a flavour. d-

Picante beef: Top Ramen is japanese in orgin. Picante refers to stuff that is mexican in orgin.Everything is better when it's have mexican half japanese in orgin and I don't know rather to make a sex joke or a wrasslin joke A+

Chilli: Chilli Ramen is awesome. I have no joke. but if you don't like it you are a perdophile hitler. A+

Pork: I'm pretty sure bricky just made this up.

a month of lovers.....ladies...

so I'm goin to be doing a theme month of writing whereas I write thing very loosly related to women I've loved, liked, have saw nekkids, kinda got along with, or um were on tv.

I also recongize that it's african american history month. But I'm a white dude and ergo can't make jokes bout that other than white people drive one way, black people drive another, and that is funny.

this day in jan 27th

For example, did you know that Mike Patton was born on jan 27th and has been in 750 billion and eleventy bands, not limted to anal jerry and his bum digilars and men with hats. Also, He was the voice of mario and played Kramer on seinfeild. Also, very important in the asian theather in world war two....

Also, Lewis Carrol, famous mathematician, writer of the basketball diaries, and robot clone of roman polanski.

Also, Jolene, whom is my favirote person in the world, invented dr pepper, and is just like mike patton, except instead of the words in videa games she was hot on the interwebs....

also my mum was born today, and I can't make funny lewd jokes about her because she is my mum you assholes...

also today is rabbit hole day, which is a horrible horrible internet fetish.

Top Five applications of spam i have tried

Spam Tortilla with salsa
Spam on Hamburger( spamburger)
Spam and eggs
spam hash
spam sushi.

thinking bout clothings 3:sunglasses and when to wear em...

....not at night, cause that would be stupid(almost as stupid as pulling a blade on a man in shades)...

You know what I hate, stunner shades, and I call em stunner cause I know how words work. Kanye west, why do you're glasses look like windsheilds, also if you get to where your glasses spray wiper fluid, you are my new favirote rapper, replacing hobo in asheville with no pants...( also one time I said R Kelly was my favirote rapper but I spelled it raper,and I was like thts possible to....)

Random thought: the bigger a womens glasses are, the more horrible she is as a person....possible exceptions: Brittany Hollifield, Sarah BigGlasses.

You know who wore glasses: My friend jolene, also buddy holly, coincidence? probly.

thoughts on clothing part two

Not to sound to much like bill cosby, but what's up with the pants being all down round the ankeles( and the hiphop music and the jello pudding and the lovely wife camille...). I mean my pants hang down but I'm a lazy lousy slob. Where as these are well dressed gentlemen who will pay upwards of 5itybillion dollars for zoos by the guy who invented the mcjordan sandwhich (the mcjordan was awesome), but yet I can still see your balls....hanging out of your pants. fuckin kids.

Kids now days with their wearing clothing part 1

You know what I don't get? Emo pants. Not elmo pants, I can so understand why someone whould want those, but emo pants? Don't those hurt your balls and such? Luckly, most emos don't have penises.thats why they listen to emo music. They're sad. sad about they're lack of penises

A listing of incredible food incredibly high people have made for me

spam sushi ( It's good Andy.)

Pizza with artichokes and shrimp and chicken and feta.

The Harry Cox special( which as best as I can describe is all breakfast food ever in one dish, also, yes hahahaha I know a guy named Harry cox)

Cow Heart(better than it sound, as is brains)

Macacorni and cheese burritos

Chicken and waffles

Fish and pancakes( I have post ironic friends,)

Top Five Bobs I am aware of

5)Bob's your uncle-a joke from scotland the nation

4)Bob Caldwell- The man who taught me about snow and delicious Laura Lynn brand products, such as Laura Lynn brand douche, the only douche that makes your vagina smell like Stan Pamphilas

3)Bob Marley-Things I hate about Bob Marley:Stoners, Collage students(but I repeat myself), and WNCW on-air personalitys who aren't ratiFARIANS SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKNG LIKE THAT, I BET YOU'RE WHITE, I WILL COME THEIR AND PUNCH YOU IN YOUR FACE WITH MY HANDS YOU ASS!
Things I like about Bob Marley: He was a genius, a kind man and he made a delicious coffee

2) Bob Dylan: The bestest musician ever, the bestest dj ever, my favirote thing my sister randomly yelled when she was ten.

1) Bob Chadwhick-He brings me roast beef and you don't.